As the Athletic Director and head coach of the Varsity Soccer team at Ryerson University, Dr. Joseph is often asked what skills he is searching for as a recruiter: is it speed? Strength? Agility? In Dr. Joseph's TEDx Talk, he explores self confidence and how it is not just the most important skill in athletics, but in our lives.
"I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate."
When I was a kid, it took me longer than I would have liked to learn how to ride a bike. I kept using a bike with training wheels and I didn’t practice much, so of course I didn’t learn how to balance. One day I observed that my sister (younger by 2.5 years) was getting close to figuring out how to ride a bike. She wasn’t quite there yet, but she was clearly much closer to balancing than I was. I couldn’t let her beat me to it! So I grabbed my bike, pushed it out to the street, and decided that I was going to learn how to ride it then and there. I hopped on — sans training wheels — and swerved all over the place like an out-of-control maniac. I tried to stay near the grass when I could muster some degree of control, so when I fell, I’d hopefully crash onto the lawn instead of the street or sidewalk. After many short-lived attempts, I finally learned how to balance. Then I was off and riding. I rode my bike a lot that summer and have had the skill ever since. Up until that point, I’d been making a big deal out of the whole process. It seemed scary and daunting. I was afraid of falling. But once I confronted the fear and mustered the courage to risk getting hurt, I quickly emerged on the other side with a whole new skill. From the moment of decision to the time I emerged with the basic skill was probably less than an hour. What finally motivated me to face the fear and take action? It was the feeling that I was falling behind. My peers were leaving me in the dust. They could ride and I couldn’t. If my younger sister got there first, I’d no doubt be unfavorably compared to her, and I really didn’t want to deal with that. That build-up of pressure worked to my advantage. I was capable of facing the fear and developing the skill, but I’d been delaying. I was letting fear get the better of me. That pressure gave me a much needed kick in my complacency. Many years later, I found myself in a similar situation. When I started college, I didn’t take school seriously and goofed off a lot. I basically triple-majored in shoplifting, alcohol, and poker… and was eventually expelled. By the time I had a second go at it, my old high school friends were all starting their senior year, while I was starting over as a freshman. I was three years behind my peers, and I really felt the weight of that. Once again, the feeling of falling behind became a powerful motivating force for me. Instead of taking four years to graduate, I made a huge commitment to master time management and tried to earn my degree a lot faster. I took about 3x the normal course load, and I earned not one but two Bachelor of Science degrees (in mathematics and computer science) — in only three semesters. Additionally, I received a special award for the top computer science student (as selected by the faculty) when I graduated. I had no idea I was capable of that, just as I had no idea I could learn to ride a bike so quickly. The feeling of falling behind served as a powerful motivator. Instead of trying to squelch those disappointing feelings, like I’d been doing up to that point, I allowed myself to feel the weight of that pressure. I used those seemingly negative feelings to motivate action and overcome resistance.
The Positive Side of Social Pressure
There are many ways to deal with social pressure, especially when you feel you aren’t measuring up to some external standard. You can question or reject the standard, which is often the best option for standards you disagree with. Or you can agree with the standard and use the pressure to elevate your performance. I’ve seen other people leverage this same kind of pressure to their good advantage. People who’ve been languishing in their careers unleash dormant ambition. Shy or socially awkward people push themselves to master social skills. People who’ve been mired in scarcity unlock financial abundance. Very often, these people succeed, sometimes remarkably so. They turn the feeling of falling behind into a powerful source of motivation. They redefine their old relationship to their peer group. Instead of being the late bloomer, the laggard, or the underachiever, they become the fast learner, the leader, the performer.
Accelerating Your Growth
Using social pressure to beat yourself down is pointless. Using it to motivate fresh progress is powerful. When you perceive that you’re falling behind, how can you leverage this feeling to speed up your growth? First, let yourself feel the heaviness of the pressure. Stop trying to repress it, minimize it, or distract yourself from it. Feel the pain. Feel the disappointment. If this makes you feel like a complete loser, let those feelings flow freely for a while. Own those feelings. They’re temporary. Once you’ve had a chance to let those feelings circulate and you no longer feel like you’re repressing those emotions, then pause and forgive yourself. So you fell behind. It happens. It’s okay. Acknowledge your humanness. Say, “I forgive myself fully and completely.” I recommend dwelling on the forgiveness step until you really feel that you’ve forgiven yourself. Try journaling about your decision to forgive yourself. Write or type, “I forgive myself fully and completely,” over and over again. Keep your attention on forgiveness and self-compassion until you feel some emotional release, especially some tears. If you truly forgive yourself, you’re likely to feel some relief and lightness afterwards. Forgive yourself, but don’t let yourself off the hook completely. It’s okay that you slacked off in the past. It’s not okay to keep slacking off. Resolve to be done with that dissatisfying past behavior. No more falling behind. Realize that you can get caught up. You can go faster. You can redeem yourself. Accept that it won’t be easy. It doesn’t need to be easy. The challenge will be good for you. It will help you grow. It will wake you up. It will help you raise your standards. Now turn your attention to creating a positive vision of fresh action going forward. Redefine your short-term vision of success as a vision based on action, not on immediate results. One reason we fall behind is that we make a big deal out of failure. However, many results (such as learning to ride a bike) practically require you to fail — sometimes a lot — before you can succeed. So don’t put so much pressure on yourself to achieve a specific result just yet. Instead, feel the pressure to take simple actions. Turn this pressure into movement. When I committed to learning to ride a bike, instead of focusing so much on the end goal, I pushed that desire to the back of my mind. I focused on facing the fearful action I was dreading. For me it was trying to ride and falling and getting hurt. So I made the commitment to go ahead and try my best, to fall as much as I might have to fall, to endure the scrapes and bruises, and to quickly get back on the bike and try again. I accepted that there might be some pain and blood, and if so, I’d hurt and bleed and keep going. By accepting the possible outcome I feared, I reduced my resistance to action. I decided I’d rather be a bruised and bloodied boy who could ride a bike instead of a pristine boy who couldn’t. What’s the equivalent bloodied version of yourself that you’re avoiding and thereby causing yourself to fall further and further behind? Is it a vision of yourself having to work or study for long hours? Is it a vision of yourself being repeatedly rejected? Is it a vision of yourself making mistakes and losing money? You can endure all of those things. And you can keep right on going after they occur. They’re all petty fears to begin with. You’re strong enough to handle them. In college my commitment was to sign up for as many classes as I could schedule on my calendar. I decided I’d do my best to attend those classes, do the assignments, take the exams, and learn the material efficiently.
Doing Your Best
Define success as doing your best. Face the fear. Make the valiant effort. Don’t worry so much about the end result. One reason you may feel like you’re falling behind is that you haven’t been doing your best. It isn’t the perception that other people seem to be passing you that’s such a bother. What really gets under your skin is believing that you could have prevented it. The consequences of not doing your best can be very unsettling when they finally catch up to you. Ask yourself the question, “What would my best look like?” This is a powerful question to ask, but so often we don’t ask it because our answers will shed light on those situations where we clearly aren’t doing our best. And that’s where the feeling of falling behind starts creeping in. Let it creep in. Immerse yourself in those feelings. Feel the unpleasant heaviness and disappointment of falling behind. Then define your best in the form of simple and direct action. What is the best effort you can make? What can you do? What’s the action to take? You can try and fail. You can try and get rejected. You can try and learn. If you keep making your best effort again and again, you’ll power through old fears and sniveling worries faster than you thought possible. And soon the results you desire will become visible… and then fully realized. Where do you feel like you’re falling behind? In which areas of your life are you underperforming? Let yourself feel the weight of those disappointments. Forgive yourself. Identify what your best effort could look like. Then go take action. Make the attempt. Fall. Get bruised. Get up and try again. Persist until you create your desired results. It’s just like riding a bike. Source
Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, or self-image. It is our way of communicating to others that we have self-respect, self-worth, and will not allow others to define us. Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others. It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends. To set personal boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are, and to take control of your life.
How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?
Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.
Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands and children are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the family dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well. Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of "selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense. Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they've crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.
Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Going against personal values or rights in order to please others.
Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
Letting others define you.
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
Feeling bad or guilty when you say no.
Not speaking up when you are treated poorly.
Falling apart so someone can take care of you.
Falling "in love" with someone you barely know or who reaches out to you.
Accepting advances, touching and sex that you don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
When we possess healthy personal boundaries:
We have improved self-confidence and a healthy self-concept.
There's always a lot of pressure on New Year's Eve. Some people like to say that the way you spend New Year's Eve is how you will spend the entire year. And, while it can be fun to dress up and go out with your friends to ring in the New Year, let's be honest — it can also be horrible. Your heels get caught in your skirt, you spend hours waiting to get into a bar, and, if you're single, you get flooded by pity kisses at the end of the night. Plus, transportation is a nightmare and it's freezing. (Can you tell I'm not a fan of the New Year's Eve hype?) That's why there's a better alternative to celebrating New Year's: staying in and watching a New Year's Eve-themed movie. This can be done alone or with friends, in actual clothing or in pajamas, and — this is the best part, my fellow anti-NYE peeps — before or after midnight. Yes, when you watch a movie on New Year's Eve, you don't actually have to stay up until Jan. 1. It's a beautiful thing. With that in mind, here are 13 New Year's movies you should watch this holiday season, whether you go out to celebrate New Year's or not.
1. New Year's Eve
Ever wondered what it would be like to have Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Alyssa Milano and Seth Meyers in one movie? Then New Year's Eve is perfect for you. It's also good for anyone who wants to have a little bit of unapologetic fluff.
2. When Harry Met Sally
A New Year's classic, this iconic romantic comedy features one of the best New Year's Eve scenes of all time. It's also hilarious.
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
Another romantic NYE movie, perfect for a night in with your girlfriends.
4. Poseidon
Romance not your thing? Then buckle up for this disaster/action movie about an enormous cruise ship that tries to go up against an even greater ocean wave. (Hint: the ocean wins.)
5. Sex and the City
Sex and the City: The Movie isn't really about New Year's, but the end of the year is as good an excuse as any to watch Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda look fabulous for two hours.
6. Ghostbusters II
Evil never sleeps, and ghosts don't take a break for New Year's.
7. Trading Places
A true New Year's comedy.
8. 200 Cigarettes
Because one time Paul Rudd made out with Courtney Love in a bathroom. And why is this not a classic?!
9. Ocean's 11 (1960)
The original Ocean's 11 heist took place on New Year's Eve instead of Fight Night. What better night to cause drama than the chaotic holiday?
10. Radio Days
Woody Allen's Radio Days isn't really a New Year's movie, but it does feature a great NYE scene. So, if you're into having some New Year's cheer without actually wanting to watch a movie about the stressful holiday, then Radio Days might be your best bet.
11. Boogie Nights
Need proof that crazy things happen on New Year's Eve? Boogie Nights will give it to you.
12. An Affair To Remember
One final classic romance to round out the list. An Affair To Remember shows how romantic, and tragic, a New Year's Eve kiss can be.
13. This Is The End
OK, so this one is absolutely not a New Year's movie, but it does have a certain NYE vibe to it. When you think about it, apocalypse movies aren't so different from New Year's Eve movies. They are both about a countdown to the end of an era, and both usually feature some kind of bonding between friends. This Is The End also happens to feature a massive, NYE-like party, and a superb end of days finale. It's pretty much an honorary NYE movie. Whether you want to watch these movies to psych yourself up for New Year's or instead of going to that New Year's party your friends are trying to drag you to, these 13 flicks will remind you that the night never turns out the way you'd hoped, even in the movies. Images: Warner Bros.; uhohohno/tumblr Have a wonderful New Year's Eve, whatever you decide to do! Source
An inspiring motivational video featuring motivational speech from Ashley Zahabian. Check out her channel at - https://www.youtube.com/polishedofficial "While you're killing time, time is killing you." Source Let me know what you think below!
