Stop Is One of the Most Underutilized Four Letter Words in the English Language | Kathleen Dwyer Blair

Have you ever found yourself on the receiving end of someone's tirade while sitting in your living room, the board room, or at a family gathering? Have you found yourself screaming in your mind, "stop", yet the word is stuck in your throat and you cannot even imagine saying it out loud?

Well, guess what? This is just what I'm encouraging you to do. It really is okay, and actually emotionally healthy to say, "stop" if we are feeling that someone is speaking to us in a way that feels uncomfortable or is unacceptable.

Don't Only Yield to The Needs of Others

As an emotionally healthy adult, it is our responsibility to teach people how we want to be treated. We cannot assume that the other person knows how we are feeling, or if something is upsetting us. In part, this means if someone says or does something that is not okay with us, then we need and deserve to say, "stop."

This can be done in a non-aggressive and healthy manner.

• Don't shout, speak in a calm, yet firm voice.
• Be mindful of your tone of voice and body language.
• Use "I" instead of "You" statements.
• Your response may sound something like this, "Please stop. I need you to stop."

Developing Acceptable Signals & Healthy Boundaries

I encourage the individuals and couples that we work with in our psychotherapy practice to establish guidelines around how they want to be treated by the people in their life. The time to have this discussion is when both individuals are in "neutral". When there is no emerging issue, or current conflict for either person. This is a healthy way of discussing how each person wants to be treated. When both people agree to this, healthier interactions tend to take place.

The focus of the discussion is utilizing a very specific and individualized method of setting emotional boundaries. What works for one person, may not be satisfactory for the other. Therefore, it's important to determine what each person is comfortable with in their communication with each other.

"Boundaries serve as a reminder that there are two distinct people in the relationship with their own perspectives, needs, feelings, and interests." ~ Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC and relationship expert

Many may prefer that the other not put their hand up, or use assertive body language, to interrupt while communicating. Hence why it's important to come up with the words, and acceptable signals, beforehand. This way both people are comfortable with what's established so that's part of the agreement. This discussion, and new communication method, is planned and processed in advance, so this becomes the new normal.

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Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them | Z. Hereford

Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, or self-image. It is our way of communicating to others that we have self-respect, self-worth, and will not allow others to define us.

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.

To set personal boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are, and to take control of your life.

How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?

Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.

Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands and children are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the family dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well.

Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of "selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense. 

Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they've crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.  

Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim.

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

• Going against personal values or rights in order to please others.
• Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
• Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
• Letting others define you.
• Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
• Feeling bad or guilty when you say no.
• Not speaking up when you are treated poorly.
• Falling apart so someone can take care of you.
• Falling "in love" with someone you barely know or who reaches out to you.
• Accepting advances, touching and sex that you don't want.
• Touching a person without asking.

When we possess healthy personal boundaries:

• We have improved self-confidence and a healthy self-concept. 
• We are more in touch with reality. 
• Are better able to communicate with others. 
• Have better more fulfilling relationships. 
• Have more stability and control over our lives.

It is never too late to work on establishing healthy personal boundaries. 

Please let me know what you think below.

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What Is My True Purpose? | John Holland

As you go about your daily life, do you have moments where you feel disconnected from your true purpose?  Do you sometimes wonder exactly what your purpose in life is all about?

We've all had that nagging sense when you know it’s time to make a change and take a new direction in your life. You may have a vague sense of what your true path might look like but equally, it’s totally okay if you don’t have any idea at all. Just follow your intuition.

As young children, we tend to remain closer to our true nature and are easily drawn to what we feel is intrinsically right and true for us. But as we grow, life circumstances and expectations of well-meaning loved ones and society as a whole steer us to what is considered more practical and acceptable.  As we move into adulthood, it’s not uncommon to have a sense of disconnection. It is then that we begin to question our path more often.

Your life purpose doesn't necessarily have to be your regular job or even something you’re paid to do, even though it can be possible. When someone begins to live their life in a way that’s closer to their true path, they’ll start to sense a deeper connection with others, and as a result they become more intuitively led to make choices that are more in line with why they’re on this earth.

There are ways to begin to reveal your purpose by looking for clues in your life as it is now.

If you’re feeling prompted to explore what your true purpose might be, I encourage you to take some time this week to do some journaling.  Begin by asking yourself a few questions:

1. When you were a child, what did you dream of doing when you grew up? What were you drawn to before you were encouraged to choose a more "practical" route?

2. What do you enjoy doing so much now that you lose all track of time?

3. Think about people who inspire you. Don't simply look at the title of their job position. Look a little deeper. What do they bring to the world?

4. If you could wake up tomorrow morning with the ability to go out and do anything, what would you choose to do? If you don't know exactly what that would be, begin by taking a moment to imagine how you would like to feel as you go about your day.

Write down everything that comes to mind as you ask yourself these questions. And, just as important, include what comes to your heart. Allow yourself to let go of any thoughts of impossibility. When you let yourself visualize your ideal life without boundaries, without the fear of criticism, without the fear of recrimination, without the fear of judgment, you’ll be able to open the door for your soul to show you what is possible and the boundless opportunities ahead of you.

As you go through this process, take note of any common themes that emerge through your journaling. That may be a clue as to where you need to begin. Is there a class or volunteer situation where you can explore those thoughts further? Or perhaps an online community where you can converse with like-minded people?  Every action - no matter how small - will bring some clarity.

As you start to take action and explore a path that feels truer to you, you may start to notice situations that no longer seem to fit in your life and you'll have to make adjustments. Be open to recognize and appreciate clues along the way - even if its an experience that helps you realize those things that are no longer what you thought was your purpose!

You won't find answers overnight but it is SO worth it!  Take on the mindset of an adventurer and an explorer … and be open to the clues that your soul will place in front of you. Discovering your life purpose is more about the journey and less about the final destination. So, all I have to say in closing this Soul Inspirations is …. to enjoy the journey!

Have a SOUL-filled week!

What do you think?  Let me know below.

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