How to Bypass Resistance | Steve Pavlina

You may have heard this quote from German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer:

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Here’s a variation on this idea that we can use for personal growth transitions:

All growth passes through three stages. First, you’ll be ridiculed. Second, your efforts will meet with serious opposition. Third, you’ll be accepted as the new person you’ve become.

Have you seen this pattern show up in your life? I’ve run through it many times. Lots of readers have run this pattern. It happens with career transitions, relationships transitions, lifestyle changes, health improvements, and more.

Schopenhauer was a pessimist. In fact, his worldview is called philosophical pessimism.
If we apply Schopenhauer’s model to personal growth, aren’t we being a little pessimistic then? Pessimism isn’t truth. Pessimism is just one of many lenses we can use, and if we go into a growth experience with a pessimistic lens, aren’t we more likely to create a journey that looks like Schopenhauer’s stages?

Are these three stages really necessary? Is the ridicule necessary? Is the violent opposition necessary? Do we really have to go through those first two stages to get to the third stage? Can’t we just skip to the end?

Seduced by Schopenhauer’s Script

Blogging about my personal growth journey since 2004 has given me a lot of feedback. For many years I basically ran Schopenhauer’s script. It was there from day one. What! You’re quitting the computer gaming industry? What the heck is blogging? You’ll never make any money doing that!

After many years of such transitions, the script became all too predictable, and because of its predictability, I got faster at running it. Instead of taking weeks or months to play out, I’d be at stage three within days. Eventually I’d get there within 1-2 days. The criticism and resistance would blow up and then burn out within 24-48 hours. It was Schopenhauer’s script running on Internet time.

Exploring subjective reality gave me a different perspective on this model as well. Were my own expectations creating these stages? If I changed my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, would it be possible to skip ahead to stage three?

I had to admit that I was indeed expecting opposition when I embarked upon some transitions. I’d prepare myself by raising my psychological shields. I’d pre-load my personal Schopenhauer script. And my expectations would largely come true.

For many years I thought I benefitted from strong personal shielding. I made decisions carefully, weathered the criticism, and plowed ahead. The stormy parts didn’t phase me. I was comfortable with ridicule and opposition.

I even gave myself extra practice by deliberately inviting critical feedback, such as when I made this April Fool’s post inviting people to apply to become my slaves, or this one announcing a fake D/s workshop. The criticism came flying in as expected. Some people even launched new websites specifically devoted to criticizing me, such as StevePavlinaIsTheDevil.com (that one eventually went offline).

To me this was just a form of resistance training. The more criticism came through, the easier it was to handle it. It wasn’t going to phase me.

Did I really want to keep running this pattern for the rest of my life though? Was there any more growth to be squeezed out from stronger shielding?

For many years I figured it was indeed necessary and that I should just accept it as normal… at least normal for me. I’m a public figure. I write about many controversial topics on the Internet. I have some pretty strong opinions. Of course the criticism will keep happening. There’s no way around that.

As the pattern sped up, however, this mindset began looking increasingly ridiculous to me. I wondered to what extent I was creating it through my own expectations. These rapid burns poked holes in my beliefs. I didn’t understand why the criticism would surge and then die so quickly.

Challenging the Script

In 2011 I did a 30-day trial of learning music composition. No one criticized me for that, and that probably doesn’t surprise you. It didn’t surprise me either. But I wondered… Was there a lack of criticism because learning music wasn’t objectionable to my readers? Or was there a lack of criticism because I didn’t expect any criticism for such a trial?

That led to me to ask:

What if I stopped expecting resistance in areas where I’d previously expected it? Would the criticism still happen?

And that spawned more questions:

Were people criticizing me because they objectively didn’t like my ideas? Or were they criticizing me because I was broadcasting incongruence, defensiveness, or the expectation of criticism?

So I began to experiment.

I started paying attention to my attitude, energy, and expectations as I made new decisions. If I felt defensive in advance, I began working through those feelings privately. I imagined the public criticism that would come, but instead of inviting it, I pre-processed it within myself. I worked on getting to a place of peace with my decisions first.

I didn’t do this with every decision, but when I did apply this, it worked. I could write congruently about topics that previously would have invited plenty of critical feedback, and I wouldn’t receive a single negative piece of feedback. I want to say that this surprised me, but oddly it didn’t surprise me. Somehow it made perfect sense to me.

When I was able to fully accept my decisions, I stopped broadcasting defensiveness, which stopped attracting criticism. Perhaps no one wants to bother criticizing someone whose mind is already at peace, at least not to that person directly.

I realized that people can smell incongruence a mile away, and it’s that incongruence that riles them up and makes them want to set me straight. Otherwise they don’t bother. They might still criticize an idea on their own for whatever reason, but they wouldn’t send such feedback to me directly.

The very presence of armor and shielding makes people want to hack at it with a sword. They really can’t resist. But when there’s no armor and shielding, people don’t even think to grab a sword and take a swing at you. There’s no reason to do so.

An Environment of Acceptance

As I thought about how to bypass the resistance stages, I recalled an effect I’ve seen many times at our workshops. When people spend days surrounded by other growth-oriented people, the deep and immediate acceptance really sinks in. In an environment of such acceptance and encouragement, people realize that it isn’t necessary to explain and defend their decisions. So the shields go down. The defensiveness vanishes. And the mind reaches a new level of congruence and peace.

These kinds of experiences were an important part of my journey as well. When I began leaning into the idea of open relationships, I had doubts about the path and wasn’t congruent with it. When I first started writing about it several years ago, boy was there a lot criticism! But when I would hang out in person with people who’d been living that lifestyle for years, I couldn’t help but notice that they had zero defensiveness about it. For them it was a perfectly normal and sensible way to live. I couldn’t find their shields, even when I tried to play Devil’s advocate with them.

This became a powerful tool for me, one that I like much better than polishing my armor. When I’m considering making a change, I find it really helpful to hang out with people who are on the other side. For me it’s a change. But for them, it’s just their normal everyday lives. When I see how normal it is for them, it helps me imagine the shift as being totally normal for me as well. It gives me a vision of what I’ll be like on the other side.

Starting in the late 90s, I used this approach to transform my once failing computer games business into a successful one. I began hanging out with successful independent software developers, both online and in person. It sounds a little dumb in retrospect to say this, but I was struck by just how comfortable they were with their success. To me at the time, it was a really big deal to earn six or seven figures a year from selling one’s own software. But I couldn’t detect any of this amazement in the people I met. They didn’t feel special to have done it. It was just a normal thing to be doing.

I realized that seeing a transition as special is a form of incongruence. When we project extraordinary qualities onto a change, we push it away. We invite ridicule. We invite opposition. We slow ourselves down. We remain stuck.

It took many more years before I connected the dots between these two ideas and saw how sensible it would be to use an environment of acceptance to bypass resistance.

This is how I skip the first two stages in Schopenhauer’s worldview. But really I still go through three stages. They’re just different stages. The model I use now looks like this:

All growth passes through three stages. First, envision the change as possible. Second, invite support for your change by meeting people who are already living as you desire. Third, realize you’re already one of those people — and that you love it!

Suppose you want to transition from a scarcity mindset to an abundant lifestyle using Schopenhauer’s original model. You’ll start by getting ridiculed by other scarcity minded people. Then you’ll deal with lots of obstacles and setbacks. And finally — hopefully — you’ll be spit out the other side. Does that work for personal growth? Not really. You could just as easily stay stuck indefinitely with this approach… unless you build some really strong psychological weaponry and fight your way through.

Or you could take a gentler, more optimistic approach. Realize that other people are already living on the other side of the change you want to make. For those people your desired change is a perfectly normal and natural way to live. There’s nothing to debate. The benefits are self-evident. You can simply go and join them. They’re happy to welcome you. Leave your shields and armor behind.

You can also create this environment of acceptance in your own mind by imagining it as real. Some people are really good at that. I usually get better results by talking to real people though, at least initially. Visualization is helpful after I’ve met people who are already on the other side, so I can better understand the subtleties of the vibe they have.

You can still use Schopenhauer’s approach if you like armor and shields. It’s a little clumsy at times, but it does work. It can even be fun, especially when people go out of their way to swing their swords at you. That’s where the pessimistic model leads. You’ll eventually become a champion pessimist.

But also recognize that there are alternative approaches that can bypass the resistance altogether. Connecting with people on the other side of your desired transition is one of the most effective. Other approaches are possible too, as long as you begin with the idea that you have the power to go straight to the acceptance phase.

We don’t have to follow Schopenhauer’s model of truth either. We can encounter a new truth, welcome it, and accept it smoothly and easily. The challenge is to love the truth more than the untruth.

Which do you love more? The place where you are, or the place where you want to be? If it’s the latter, then stop defending the former.

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Patterns of Success | Steve Pavlina

People usually succeed in the long run.

This is the pattern I see in my long-term readers. They may take a while to get moving on their goals at first. They may endure some false starts and setbacks. They may procrastinate now and then. But if a goal is important to them, such as creating passive income streams or finding a fulfilling relationship, they do eventually succeed.

Not all of them succeed of course. Some give up. Some get sucked back into social groups that influence them to fall off track. Some drift aimlessly without finding their focus.
But by and large, the people who persist do eventually succeed. If they keep working towards their goals, keep learning and growing, and stay conscious, they do make progress, and they do achieve their goals.

Here are some of the patterns I see in readers who succeed in achieving their long-term goals.

Take Goals Seriously

People who succeed take their goals seriously. They move their goals out of the realm of fantasy and turn them into practical objectives to be achieved.

One of the simplest ways to take your goals seriously is to turn them into mental pictures and movies that you can describe visually. If you can’t tell me what you’re seeing on the movie screen, it’s a safe bet that your goal is just a fuzzy fantasy.

Usually when people tell me about their goals the first time, it’s a fuzzy fantasy. They list things like: make more money, have more friends, and travel more. Does this tell you what you’re seeing on the movie screen? Nope. Is it clear if you’ve accomplished these goals or not? Nope. Do these pseudo-goals let you off the hook and pretend you’re making progress? 
Yup.

It’s okay to begin with a fuzzy fantasy, but don’t get stuck there. Move your goal out of the realm of fantasy, and turn it into a real-world experience. Frame your future experiences the same way you frame your past memories. Memories are events that happened. So turn your goals into similar events that can and will happen.

A real goal will eventually be achieved, and then it will become a memory. Memories involve sense perceptions, and they’re mostly visual. So if you want to set a clear goal, then describe the future memory. Traveling more or making more money isn’t a memory.

If I asked you what you did yesterday, would you say, “I made more money, had more friends, and traveled more”? If you said something like that, I’d wonder that you might have some brain damage. Don’t describe your goals like that either. State your goals and intentions like you’re describing a future memory. What are the actual events that you’d like to experience?

A memory is something like going to the top of the Eiffel Tower, enjoying the view of Paris, and taking a bunch of photos while you’re up there. That’s a goal that can be accomplished or not. It’s a goal that encourages real-world planning and action steps. It’s achievable.

Start Modestly

People who succeed tend to begin with modest goals and build up to larger goals when they get some success going. Those who fail often bite off more than they can chew.

For instance, instead of trying to earn $10,000 per month immediately, successful people usually start with a modest goal like creating a passive income stream of $100 per month. They work on that goal first and do what it takes to achieve it. Then they can apply what they learned to parlay that small success into a bigger success.

The failure stories often inject neediness into their goals. I get emails from such people frantically telling me how they need to make an extra $1000 to $3000 this month in order to pay their rent or bills. In 12+ years of blogging, I can’t recall a single case of one of these people ever emailing me back to say that they succeeded.

Neediness will only get in your way, create extra stress, and delay real progress. If you need to let the old world collapse while you work on your long-term goals at a realistic and intelligent pace, so be it.

Bite off a modest piece of your goal, work on it, and achieve it. This will do more to move you towards a long-term pattern of success than frantic scrambling.

Have Compassion for Your Future Self

Have some compassion for your future self. At some point you’re going to be 5, 10, or 20 years older, and that future you will have to endure the consequences of what you’re creating now. If you’re wallowing in neediness or drifting aimlessly, you’re sentencing your future self to a crappy outcome, and that future you may blame you for it.

Instead of screwing over your future self, take a more sensible and compassionate approach. Work to create a better reality for your future self. That future self is going to be you 
someday.

People who succeed look to give their future selves an edge. They seek to put themselves in a more advantaged position down the road. They make small sacrifices today to alleviate stress and enjoy more fulfillment tomorrow.

Don’t Go Dark

Almost everyone goes dark at some point, sinking into aimless drifting for a while and losing sight of their goals. Those who succeed tend to bounce back quickly though. They recognize when they’re going dark and even give themselves permission to temporarily wallow in this state if they need a break. They know they’ll get back to working on their goals soon enough.
Those who don’t succeed tend to spend a lot of time drifting unconsciously. For such people the experience of setting and working on goal is just a temporary blip against a background of aimlessness. The lights go on occasionally when they get a burst of inspiration (usually from an external source), but most of the time, the lights stay off.

Those who succeed keep the lights on most of the time. They do their best to stay conscious. They keep moving the needle forward, little by little, tackling one small milestone at a time. They aren’t so easily discouraged by setbacks.

Be Flexible

People who get sidetracked often have a very rigid approach to success. When their initial plans don’t work in the real world, they keep repeating the same ineffective strategies, stubbornly expecting that something new will happen each time.

Those who succeed understand and accept that their initial plans may not work. Each failure becomes a learning experience. Successful people surrender their ineffective approaches, so they can pivot towards new possible solutions.

Those who fail usually explore very little of the solution space. They hide out in a comfortable corner where there are few results to be had. Those who succeed almost invariably explore more of the solution space. Even after they get some success going, they keep exploring to further optimize their approaches, especially to improve overall lifestyle balance.

Embrace the Growth Journey

It usually takes people longer than they expect to achieve their goals, regardless of what types of goals they set. When we set a goal, we can’t accurately envision all the micro-steps it will take to achieve it. We oversimplify the journey. We overlook many details, and those details will take time.

People who give up often succumb to impatience. They go dark when the path becomes longer than expected, even if they were making modest progress. Sometimes they pressure themselves to meet unreasonable deadlines and then burn out after a while.

Those who succeed may succumb to the previous pattern too, but eventually they get past it. These people progress to a more mature, more balanced, and less frantic approach to growth and achievement. Short-term scrambling gives way to long-term patience.

The key is to embrace the overall growth journey. See the benefits not just in the goal to be achieved but in the person you’re becoming along the way. The inner benefits are more secure anyway. You can strip a growth-oriented person of their external accomplishments and resources, and their well-developed inner resources will help them bounce back to their previous position and beyond.

Discover What Works and Repeat

Successful people sometimes find just one or two patterns that work, and then they repeat. For instance, they may create a $100 passive income stream and then repeat the process dozens or hundreds of times. They also refine the process as they go along, so each stream may be 10x more effective after a few years of refinement.

Earlier this year I met a guy who keeps renting more apartments in different cities and turning them into AirBnB properties for a profit. He reinvests the profits in securing more properties to create more revenue streams. I believe he expects to make seven figures from his operation this year, and he gains the added bonus of being able to stay in any of his properties for free when he travels.

* * *

Every month I meet new readers in person and hear their stories, especially with respect to the goals they’ve set, the lessons they’ve learned, and the pivots they’ve made. One thing is clear: In the long run, people usually do achieve their goals if they persist, stay flexible, and don’t give up. The biggest challenge for most people is persisting long enough to win the mental game.

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Being Present In Relationships | Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle speaks about being present in relationships that have a past, relatives, spouses, and parents.
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Using 100% of Your Brain | Dr. Bruce H. Lipton

In this fascinating video Dr. Bruce Lipton dispels the myth that we only use 10% of our brain, and gives practical steps to improve brain function to activate super learning!

www.brucelipton.com

So what do you think?

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