When asked during an interview how he managed to reach the top as a professional bodybuilder and Hollywood actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger replied with a single word, “Drive!” All great success ultimately begins with an idea, but what makes ideas become reality is the fuel of human desire. An idea by itself can give you a temporary feeling of inspiration, but burning desire is what gets you through all the perspiration necessary to overcome the inevitable obstacles along the way. Take a moment to think about the goals you’ve set for yourself. (You have set goals, haven’t you? If not, go read the article on setting clear goals.) How committed are you to achieving these goals? Under what conditions would you give up? What if you could significantly increase your desire to achieve these goals? What if you wanted them so badly that you knew with absolute certainty that you would absolutely, positively never ever give up? When you are truly 100% committed to reaching your goals, you move from hoping to knowing. If you want something badly enough, then quitting is simply not an option. You either find a way or make one. You pay the price, whatever it takes. Those with an intense, burning desire to achieve their goals are often referred to as being “driven.” But is this special quality reserved only for a privileged few? Certainly not. With the right approach, anyone can cultivate a deep, burning desire within themselves and move to a state of total commitment, knowing with certainty that success is as inevitable as the sunrise. So how do you cultivate burning desire? You begin with an outside-in approach, altering your environment in ways that will strengthen your resolve while eliminating doubt. If you take the time to do it right, you’ll establish a positive feedback cycle, such that your desire will continue to increase on a daily basis. Here are eight steps you can take to cultivate burning desire to achieve any goal you set for yourself:
1. Burn the Ships
I’m not going to pull any punches with this one. If your goals are really important enough to you, then you can start by burning the proverbial ships, such that you have no choice but to press on. For instance, if you want to launch your own business, you can begin by making the commitment to quitting your job. Write a letter of resignation, put it in a stamped envelope addressed to your boss, and give it to a trusted friend with firm instructions to mail the letter if you haven’t quit your job by a certain date. One Las Vegas casino manager made the decision to quit smoking. He didn’t feel he had the personal willpower to do it alone, so he took out a billboard on the Las Vegas Strip with his photo on it along with the words, “If you catch me smoking, I’ll pay you $100,000!” Was he able to quit smoking? You bet! (Ok, bad pun.) This is called willpower leveraging. You use a small bit of willpower to establish a consequence that will virtually compel you to keep your commitment. As Andrew Carnegie once said, “Put all your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket!” In the classic book The Art of War, Sun Tzu notes that soldiers fight the most ferociously when they believe they’re fighting to the death. A good general knows that when attacking an opposing force, it’s important to create the illusion of a potential escape route for the enemy, so they won’t fight as hard. What escape routes are you keeping open that are causing you not to fight as hard? If you don’t burn those ships, you are sending the message to your subconscious mind that it’s ok to quit. And when the going gets tough, as it inevitably does for any worthwhile goal, you will quit. If you really want to achieve your goals, then you’ve got to burn those ships to the ground, and scatter the ashes. If you’re thinking that the average person won’t do this, you’re right — that’s why they’re average.
2. Fill Your Environment with Desire Boosters
Let’s say one of your important goals is to lose weight. Get some poster board, and make your own posters that say, “I weigh X pounds,” where X is your goal weight, and put them up around your house. Change your screensaver to a text message that says the same thing (or to some equally motivational imagery). Get some magazines, cut out pictures of people who have bodies similar to what you’d like to have, and put them up around your house. Cut out pictures of healthy food that looks good to you, and post those around your kitchen. If you work in an office, then alter your office in the same manner. Don’t worry about what your coworkers will think, and just do it! They may poke a little fun at you at first, but they’ll also begin to see how committed you are.
3. Surround Yourself with Positive People
Make friends with people who will encourage you on the path to your goals, and find ways to spend more time with them. Share your goals only with people who will support you, not those who will respond with cynicism or indifference. If you want to lose weight, for instance, get yourself into a gym, and start befriending those who are already in great shape. You’ll find that their attitudes become infectious, and you’ll start believing that you can do it too. Meeting people who’ve lost one hundred pounds or more can be extremely motivating. If you want to start a new business, join the local chamber of commerce or a trade association. Do whatever it takes to make new friends who will help you keep your commitment. Although this can be difficult for some people, you also need to fire the negative people from your life. I once read that you can see your future just by looking at the six people with whom you spend the most time. If you don’t like what you see, then change those people. There’s no honor in remaining loyal to people who expect you to fail. One of the reasons people fail to start their own businesses, for instance, is that they spend most of their time associating with other employees. The way out of this trap is to start spending a lot more time associating with business owners, such as by joining a trade association. Mindsets are contagious. So spend your time with people whose mindsets are worth catching.
4. Feed Your Mind with Empowering Information on a Daily Basis
Inspirational books and audio programs are one of the best fuel sources for cultivating desire. If you want to quit smoking, read a dozen books written by ex-smokers on how to quit the habit. If you want to start a business, then start devouring business books. Go to seminars on occasion. I advise that you feed your mind with some form of motivational material (books, articles, audio programs) for at least fifteen minutes a day. This will continually recharge your batteries and keep your desire impenetrably strong. When you absorb material created by an extremely passionate person, you’ll often find yourself feeling more passionate as well. A great book I read was Pour Your Heart Into It by Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks. As I read the book, I was absolutely amazed at how someone could be so fanatically enthusiastic about coffee. Other enthusiasm-building authors/speakers I highly recommend are Harvey Mackay and Zig Ziglar.
5. Replace Sources of Negative Energy with Positive Energy
Take an inventory of all the sensory inputs into your life that affect your attitude — what you read, what you watch on TV, the cleanliness of your home, etc. Note which inputs influence you negatively, and strive to replace them with positive inputs. I’ll give you some good places to start. First, avoid watching TV news — it’s overwhelmingly negative. Do you really need to hear about the woman who was mauled to death by her neighbor’s dog? Fill that time with positive inputs instead, like motivational and educational audio programs. If you like to watch movies, then watch movies that are full of positive energy, such as light-hearted comedies and stories of triumph over adversity. Avoid dark, tragic movies that leave you feeling empty afterwards. Dump the horror books, and replace them with humor books. Spend more time laughing and less time worrying. If you have a messy desk, clean it up! If you have young kids or grandkids, spend some time playing with them. Some of this may sound a bit corny, but it will really help increase your overall motivation. If you have a hard time motivating yourself, chances are that your life is overflowing with too many sources of negativity. It’s far better to happily achieve than it is to feel you must achieve in order to be happy.
6. Dress for Success
Whenever you pass by a mirror, which is probably several times a day, you get an instant dose of image reinforcement. So what image are you currently reinforcing? Would you dress any differently if your goals were already achieved? Would you sport a different hairstyle? Would you shower a bit more often? Although for years I enjoyed the ripped jeans and T-shirt look, I noted that when I visualized myself in the future, having achieved certain goals, I was dressed a lot more nicely. With some experimentation I found a style of clothing that looks professional and is also comfortable. So I gradually donated my old clothes to charity and replaced my wardrobe with clothes that fit the new identity I was growing into. (Consequently, there’s a Salvation Army store with quite a stock of gaming industry T-shirts.) I learned this idea from an ex-Navy Seal, who stressed to me the importance of taking pride in your appearance, and I can say with certainty that it makes a noticeable difference. So make sure the clothes you wear each day are consistent with your new self-image.
7. Use Mental Programming
This is a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) technique that will help you associate strong positive emotions to whatever goal you’re working to achieve. Find some music that really energizes and inspires you. Put on your headphones and listen to it for fifteen to twenty minutes, and as you do this, form a clear mental picture of yourself having already achieved the results you want. Make your imagery big, bright, vivid, colorful, three-dimensional, panoramic, and animated. Picture the scene as if looking through your own eyes (this is very important). This will help you form a neuro-association between the positive emotions elicited by the music and the goal you want to achieve, thus strengthening your desire. This is a great way to begin each day, and you can even do it while lying in bed when you first awaken if you set things up the night before. You should cycle the music periodically, since the emotional charge you get will tend to diminish if you listen to the same songs each time. Keep in mind that this form of mental programming is already being used on you by advertisers. Watch a fast-food TV commercial, and you’ll note that the food is big, bright, and animated — spinning burgers, lettuce flying through a splash of water, ripe tomatoes being sliced — and don’t forget the catchy tune. So instead of letting others program your desires for you, take charge and mentally reprogram yourself.
8. Take Immediate Action
Once you set a goal for yourself, act immediately. As you begin working on a fresh new goal, don’t worry so much about making detailed long-term plans. Too often people get stuck in the state of analysis paralysis and never reach the action stage. You can develop your plan later, but get moving first. Just identify the very first physical action you need to take, and then do it. For instance, if you’ve decided to lose weight, go straight to your refrigerator, and throw out all the junk food. Don’t think about it. Don’t ponder the consequences. Just do it immediately. One of the secrets to success is recognizing that motivation follows action. The momentum of continuous action fuels motivation, while procrastination kills motivation. So act boldly, as if it’s impossible to fail. If you keep adding fuel to your desire, you will reach the point of knowing that you’ll never quit, and ultimate success will be nothing more than a matter of time. If you apply these eight strategies, you’ll add so much fuel to your desire that the fire will never burn out. You’ll move towards your goals like a guided missile to its target, and you’ll enjoy the process because you’ll be so focused on the positive rewards instead of the difficulty of the tasks. If you get enough positive energy flowing into you, you’ll soon have positive results flowing out of you. And you’ll quickly become the kind of person that others refer to as “driven.” Source
Scott Geller is Alumni Distinguished Professor at Virginia Tech and Director of the Center for Applied Behavior Systems in the Department of Psychology. He is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the World Academy of Productivity and Quality. He has written numerous articles and books, including When No One's Watching: Living and Leading Self-motivation.
Scott examines how we can become self-motivated in "The Psychology of Self-Motivation."
You will feel competent at doing worthwhile work if you can answer yes to the following three questions:
The epitome of success is giving a design to your life and pulling it off in a way that satisfies you.
Success is not a stereotype. Success is not an automobile. It’s not a house. It’s not a plan. It’s not money in the bank. That’s not success. Success is the continual unfolding of the design of our life and pulling it off. That’s what success is. Being successful in whatever you want to do that makes sense to you, for you and your family. Take on responsibilities or refuse them, it’s all up to you. We’ve been given the power of choice. Every life form except human beings operates by instinct in the genetic code. It has no multiple choice. Only humans have multiple choice. In the winter, the goose flies south. Why? Because he’s a goose. He couldn’t fly west. If you said to the goose it’d be better to go west this year, he’d ignore that advice. He’d keep on flying south. Why? He has no alternative. He has no other way. He is only driven, as all life forms are driven, by instinct in the genetic code. Except human beings. Now why not human beings? Because we’ve been given the dignity of choice. We’re not like a robot. We’re not stuck like a tree, using up all the nourishment and, with nothing left, you die because you can’t change locations. Not true. Humans can go north, south, east, west. Humans can change and do anything they want to do. We’ve been given the dignity. But here’s what’s interesting about all life forms except humans: Every life form except humans strives to the max of its potential. How tall will a tree grow? As tall as it possibly can. You’ve never heard of a tree growing half as high as it could. No, that is impossible. A tree grows as high as it can, drives down every root it can, produces every leaf it can, extends itself as far as it possibly can. Every life form extends to the max, except human beings. Now why not human beings? Because we’re not robots. We’ve been given the dignity of choice.
Do It All or Don’t
Be part of or all of what you have the potential to be. You’ve got the choice. Do a little to make yourself comfortable and forget the rest, or do it all. There’s nobody here to dictate: you’ve got to do it all. That’s nonsense. You’ve got to be rich because we live in a rich country. That’s nonsense. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to do it all. You can do a little, do some, do some more. Take advice, but don’t take orders. Take information, training, teaching, but don’t take orders from anyone who tells you how you need to live and what you need to own and what you need to do. Somebody says, “Well, you need to be successful.” That’s a personal choice, being successful. What we teach is the possibilities, and everybody chooses. Take a little, take a lot, do something, do nothing or ignore the subject.
Abraham Lincoln said, “As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master.” Excellent philosophy. A guy says, “Hey, I’m soon cashing it in and I’m heading for the mountains. I’m going to live in a little cabin, live off the land and feed the squirrels.” If he goes and does that, guess what—he’s a smashing success. Why? He’s doing what he designed to do and pulled it off. You can’t say, “No, no, that’s not successful.” That is the epitome of success—giving a design to your life and pulling it off to make progress in the direction that satisfies you. If it doesn’t satisfy you, make alternatives and change. If you get some better ideas, sure, you might follow someone’s suggestions and ideas, but not orders.
Design Your Life
Design your own life like you want it. Now if you can take on some responsibilities, you’ve got to consider those. Yes, you can ignore your responsibilities, but you won’t feel good about that. Here’s what the old prophet said: “Some things that taste good now in the mouth turn bitter later in the belly.” So you don’t want to sacrifice world if you traded your soul. That experience would be so bitter and awful and so devastating, it wouldn’t be worth it. What if you got some gain by greed instead of legitimate ambition? I’m telling you, it might taste good up front, but it’s going to turn bitter in the belly. And a bit of that advice saves some people from devastation. Say, “Well you’re right. I’d better think twice about that.” So we must confront all laws. Spiritual laws, agricultural laws, basic laws, fundamental laws. We must confront all of those. But you still now can design your own life. A little or a lot. Go east, north, south. Adapted from The Jim Rohn Guide to Time Management Source
As you go about your daily life, do you have moments where you feel disconnected from your true purpose? Do you sometimes wonder exactly what your purpose in life is all about?
We've all had that nagging sense when you know it’s time to make a change and take a new direction in your life. You may have a vague sense of what your true path might look like but equally, it’s totally okay if you don’t have any idea at all. Just follow your intuition.
As young children, we tend to remain closer to our true nature and are easily drawn to what we feel is intrinsically right and true for us. But as we grow, life circumstances and expectations of well-meaning loved ones and society as a whole steer us to what is considered more practical and acceptable. As we move into adulthood, it’s not uncommon to have a sense of disconnection. It is then that we begin to question our path more often.
Your life purpose doesn't necessarily have to be your regular job or even something you’re paid to do, even though it can be possible. When someone begins to live their life in a way that’s closer to their true path, they’ll start to sense a deeper connection with others, and as a result they become more intuitively led to make choices that are more in line with why they’re on this earth.
There are ways to begin to reveal your purpose by looking for clues in your life as it is now.
If you’re feeling prompted to explore what your true purpose might be, I encourage you to take some time this week to do some journaling. Begin by asking yourself a few questions:
1. When you were a child, what did you dream of doing when you grew up? What were you drawn to before you were encouraged to choose a more "practical" route?
2. What do you enjoy doing so much now that you lose all track of time?
3. Think about people who inspire you. Don't simply look at the title of their job position. Look a little deeper. What do they bring to the world?
4. If you could wake up tomorrow morning with the ability to go out and do anything, what would you choose to do? If you don't know exactly what that would be, begin by taking a moment to imagine how you would like to feel as you go about your day.
Write down everything that comes to mind as you ask yourself these questions. And, just as important, include what comes to your heart. Allow yourself to let go of any thoughts of impossibility. When you let yourself visualize your ideal life without boundaries, without the fear of criticism, without the fear of recrimination, without the fear of judgment, you’ll be able to open the door for your soul to show you what is possible and the boundless opportunities ahead of you.
As you go through this process, take note of any common themes that emerge through your journaling. That may be a clue as to where you need to begin. Is there a class or volunteer situation where you can explore those thoughts further? Or perhaps an online community where you can converse with like-minded people? Every action - no matter how small - will bring some clarity.
As you start to take action and explore a path that feels truer to you, you may start to notice situations that no longer seem to fit in your life and you'll have to make adjustments. Be open to recognize and appreciate clues along the way - even if its an experience that helps you realize those things that are no longer what you thought was your purpose!
You won't find answers overnight but it is SO worth it! Take on the mindset of an adventurer and an explorer … and be open to the clues that your soul will place in front of you. Discovering your life purpose is more about the journey and less about the final destination. So, all I have to say in closing this Soul Inspirations is …. to enjoy the journey!
“Choose not to be harmed – and you won’t feel harmed.Don’t feel harmed – and you haven’t been.” – Marcus Aurelius
I was at a busy library in London a few weeks back when a quirky, middle-aged lady started chatting to me. About three minutes into the conversation she commented on the grand size of my nose. And then she poked at it once with her finger while laughing. A few years ago, such an incident would have really upset me. I would have turned bright red and cursed that woman under my breath. Then I would have spent the rest of the day secretly seething, and feeling very self-conscious about my appearance. But what actually happened a few weeks back was this: Nothing. What I once would have perceived as an insult had no effect on me whatsoever. The conversation soon ended and I went on about my day quite happily. Last week in Munich I had another (albeit small) opportunity to take offense, when a German chap mistakenly identified me as an Englishman… – I’m actually from Ireland. – Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. – [smiling] Don’t worry, it’s very hard to offend me. Tis true. It is very hard to offend me nowadays. In this post I want to share with you the type of mindset I’ve developed that makes me pretty much immune to insults. And then you can go post nasty accusations in the comments to test me out.
Refusing gifts
There’s a story about the Buddha that I like to keep in mind. There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied…
If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?
Last week in Frankfurt I was writing part of this very post while waiting for a train. An American woman approached and asked me for some spare change. When I returned a polite-but-firm no, she called me a jerk and moved on. That was her gift, and I refused to accept it. I shook off the insult and got right back to work as if nothing had happened.
You always have a choice
I also like to keep in mind the words of Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search For Meaning. Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust and went on to found logotherapy. In the book, he recounts his experiences in the Nazi concentration camps. He writes of the guards taking everything away from the prisoners, all of their human freedoms, in an effort to crush their spirit and destroy their will. But Frankl came to the realization that there was one thing that could not be taken away from him: his freedom to choose his reaction to what was happening to him. As Frankl himself put it:
Between stimulus and response lies man’s greatest power: the power to choose.
It’s easy to blame others for our misgivings. — It’s his fault this happened! — If only my boss wasn’t such a condescending bitch! — I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids! I see that as surrendering your power to choose. Even if you find yourself in a terrible situation, or if someone throws the mother of all insults your way, you still get to choose your response. Nobody can take away that power from you, but too often we surrender it ourselves.
Standing up for yourself
I should clarify that I’m not advocating you sit back and let people insult you repeatedly without response (sorry, Buddha). You have to stand up for yourself every now and then, lest folks start taking advantage of you and your unoffendability. I was in a hostel in Munich last week, sharing a room with three other people. One of them had a real knack for waking me up. It was like he’d been preparing his whole life for that one task. He’d get up at 5am, turn on the light, and start making all sorts of noise as he got ready for the day, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there were other people in the room trying to sleep. The first morning I let it go, choosing not to take offense. But the second morning, when it became apparent that this guy wasn’t going to figure out the whole empathy thing on his own, I called him on it. If I hadn’t, I knew I would have carried the resentment around with me for the rest of the day, and probably would have bitched about the guy behind his back. Too many of us do this, methinks. We whine and complain about how other people mistreat us, but we never actually say anything to the offenders. Whining and complaining is pretty pointless in general, but it also becomes spineless when you haven’t brought up the issue with the offender first. So, if you ever have cause to take issue with someone or something, instead of getting offended, take action to rectify the situation. If you’re watching a movie that sucks, stop watching and go do something else. If someone pisses you off, call them on it. And if you can’t call them on it for whatever reason, the smart choice is to distance yourself from that person, or just learn to accept their behavior. No good comes from enduring an annoyance and building up all kinds of secret resentment.
The Stoic approach to insult management
I recently read a great book about Stoicism as a practical philosophy of life. There was a whole chapter on how to deal with insults. I’ll share with you here a few of my key takeaways. Let’s say someone insults you intentionally. Their goal is to upset you. The best way to handle that is to simply refuse to become upset. This not only stumps your insulter, but it also makes them feel completely powerless. It’s like someone trying to kill you by shooting you point blank in the chest. How do you think they’d feel if the bullet just bounced off, superman style, and you responded with nothing more than a raised eyebrow? If someone is trying to hurt you with an insult, it can also help to imagine that they’re a child. Because, really, such insults are childish. If you’re at a friend’s dinner party and his 3-year-old son comes up to you and calls you a poo poo head, you’re probably going to look at him in amusement, maybe ruffle his hair and then return to the adult conversation. You wouldn’t take the insult seriously. Unless, that is, you are actually a poo poo head, and not all that comfortable being one. Which brings me to another point: Sometimes we find ourselves taken aback by insults because there’s some truth to them, because they poke at our insecurities. Like if you’re losing your hair and someone makes a bald joke at your expense. In such a scenario, realize that your reaction says more about you than it does about the severity of the insult. If you have a solid foundation of self-assurance and are comfortable with your appearance, you won’t take offense. See, if you’re really sensitive about your hair loss, that’s entirely your issue to deal with. Instead of wishing people would stop mentioning your receding hairline (out of your control), you could just learn to be comfortable rocking the bald dome (within your control).
“Anytime we think the problem is ‘out there,’ that thought is the problem.” – Stephen Covey
Likewise, if someone calls you fat and you get offended by it, I suspect that you’re not truly comfortable with your weight. Instead of resenting that person, you should use their words as a launch pad for exploring your relationship with your body, and making it a healthier one. The Stoics actually welcomed insults, for two reasons. The first is best summed up by these words from Antisthenes (who was technically a Cynic and not a Stoic, but I digress)…
“Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.”
The idea here is that insults can act as signposts. If there’s a grain of truth to them, then they help point us in the direction of our faults and insecurities, and we can get busy working on those and improving ourselves. The second reason Stoics welcomed insults was because they believed they helped build a kind of immunity against criticism. A man who has been criticized regularly in the past is likely to shrug off future insults as no big deal, while a man who has never been insulted before will surely be left reeling when someone first likens him to donkey appendage. Along these lines, a Stoic named Cato purposely used to go against the norms of fashion in ancient Rome, shunning the popular light purple tunic in favor of simpler, darker attire. As explained in the aforementioned book…
Cato did this not because he “sought vainglory”; on the contrary, he dressed differently in order to accustom himself “to be ashamed only of what was really shameful, and to ignore men’s low opinion of other things.”
This mindset has definitely proven beneficial to me. I used to get upset by negative comments here on the blog, or by people disagreeing with me. But not so much anymore. I encourage folks to put themselves out there online, and in the real world, because you learn how to deal with other people not liking with you, or disagreeing with you, or thinking you’re a complete asshole. I believe it’s important to learn how to handle that. You’re inviting criticism, sure, but I see it as hardening myself against criticism, building a thicker skin. Again, imagine the guy who never puts himself out there, never puts himself in a position to be criticized. What happens when he falls into an unavoidable situation where criticism is inevitable? Easy: He crumbles.
It’s (usually) nothing to do with you
Nowadays I tend to feel sorry for people who insult me. Granted, pity isn’t always my initial reaction, but give me a few seconds and I can usually reign myself in and realize that I don’t have to take offense. Some people seem to be put out by the fact that I don’t drink, and they act a little shitty towards me because of it. I met a girl in England who openly mocked me about not drinking, and I understood perfectly once I saw her realtionship with alcohol. It wasn’t healthy, and she knew it. My teetotalling ways shone an unflattering light on her drinking habits, and she resented me for that. The quick and easy way for her to feel better about herself was to write me off as a weirdo, worthy of her best insults. I once parted ways with a girlfriend, and a few months later she told me she was glad we broke up because I was “too free thinking and in love with the world.” She wasn’t being cruel — I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it as an insult at all — but those words really hurt me at the time. Being free thinking and in love with the world are two of my favorite things about myself, and there was someone telling me that they disliked those qualities. It took me a while, but I eventually came to realize that those words said more about my ex than they did about me. As long as I was happy with my world-loving, free-thinking ways, it didn’t much matter what she thought. With that realization, I was able to let go of the hurt.
F*ck, and such
Some of us insist on getting really offended by profanities, like the word fuck. As my buddy Trevor notes, this makes little sense…
The only reason [some] words are bad is because we MAKE them bad… some people have chosen to interpret the noise of the air pressure of the consonant f, followed by the vocal chords making an uh, then more air pressure of the consonants ck, as poison to their ears.
And that’s really what it comes down to: a choice. Nobody can offend you without your permission. If you choose to interpret a word as offensive, that’s entirely your business. Some people get upset when I use naughty words on this blog, or when I write about taboo subjects. Or they’ll get offended just because my opinion is different to theirs. And to those people I say: You do realize that thousands of children in the world are needlessly starving to death every day, right? If you’re going to take offense to something, I recommend you start there, not with what some random dude writes on the Internet, that little thing you disagree with, or wish your sensitive eyes hadn’t seen. Stephen Fry said it best…
“If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily”
(It must be noted though that Mr. Fry surely has accumulated a large fortune at this stage, yet still no such hospital. Color me disappointed.) Now, all that said, I don’t advocate people go around shouting profanities from the rooftops. Best be considerate and refrain from asking little old ladies how their motherf*cking day is going.
Practical steps for dealing with insults
Alright, I feel a bit of a summation is in order. Here’s a step-by-step approach to dealing with insults that I’ve found particularly effective.
1. Pause
When someone throws an insult your way, the first thing you need to do is take a moment. Just breathe. Don’t respond right away. Most people immediately let their lizard brain loose to respond to insults, fighting fire with fire, and that’s how they get themselves in trouble and say or do things they later regret. So take a moment. With time and practice, that moment will become shorter, because you’ll train yourself to instinctively respond in an appropriate manner.
2. Consider the intent
Don’t even worry about whether there’s any truth to the insult just yet. Consider the intent instead. If you can figure that out, it’s easier to come up with an appropriate response.
3. Respond
If the other person is intentionally trying to insult you, or at least that’s what you suspect, there are a few things you can do. One is to just completely ignore the insult, to pretend you didn’t even hear it. Just act like whatever was said isn’t even worth acknowledging because it’s so ridiculous. But there is a danger to that. As noted earlier, sometimes you need to stand up for yourself and call someone out when they insult you. Because if you don’t, they may receive the message that you’re a pushover, willing to be their verbal punching bag whenever they need someone to pick on. My approach is to ignore the first insult. If that doesn’t work, and the person persists in trying to insult me, then I call them out. You can say something like, “Yeah, I heard you the first time.” Say it while looking them in the eye and with an amused look on your face, and hold that for a few seconds before going on to talk about something else. Another way to call them out is to name the game. Ask them, “You wouldn’t be trying to offend me now, would you?” Or say, “Wow, my view on that really makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t it?” Again, you remain calm and appear as though you’re amused by the childish game they’re playing. Because insults are a childish game after all, and you’re above that. So let them know. You can also respond to an insult with self-deprecation. If someone tries to make a joke at your expense, you add to the joke. Again, you’re sending the message that you can’t be messed with, that you don’t take offense to silly things.
4. Contemplate
Here’s where we switch from talking about outer response to inner response. Inner is more important, because on the outside you can fake a good response to an insult, or a good non-response, but you may end up secretly seething about it for months or even years afterwards. And that’s not good. You don’t just want to appear unoffendable. You actually want to be unoffendable. As mentioned, I don’t worry about whether there’s any truth to the insult when it happens (unless it’s an obvious falsehood and I can easily dismiss it). Instead, I focus on delivering an appropriate response and save the contemplation for later, usually when I’m alone and have adequate time to think. Only then will I consider if the insult actually has any basis in reality, and if it points to an issue I need to address. If not, I can just forget about it. I’ve found that nowadays it’s almost impossible for me to get offended by false accusations. I’m secure enough in myself and I live in line with my values. If someone tells me I’m a terrible person, I know it’s not true. And if there is some truth to an insult fired my way, I take that Stoic approach and try use it to my advantage. Not only does it help me discover parts of myself I need to work on, but it’s also good practice for handling whatever future criticism the world sends my way.
How do you handle insults?
This was a pretty long and comprehensive post, but I’m sure you fine folks can teach me a thing or two about handling insults via the comments. Have at ’em. Source
Getting rich is easy, but it's easy not to do what you know to do! That is the difference between success and failure. He did not neglect to do every day what he knew that he could do to make money.
Jim Rohn outlines the simple factors that made it easy for him to accumulate massive wealth in 6 years! Its very inspirational!
"If you will change, everything will change for you!" Start by changing your philosophy, your mind, how you think.
There's always a lot of pressure on New Year's Eve. Some people like to say that the way you spend New Year's Eve is how you will spend the entire year. And, while it can be fun to dress up and go out with your friends to ring in the New Year, let's be honest — it can also be horrible. Your heels get caught in your skirt, you spend hours waiting to get into a bar, and, if you're single, you get flooded by pity kisses at the end of the night. Plus, transportation is a nightmare and it's freezing. (Can you tell I'm not a fan of the New Year's Eve hype?) That's why there's a better alternative to celebrating New Year's: staying in and watching a New Year's Eve-themed movie. This can be done alone or with friends, in actual clothing or in pajamas, and — this is the best part, my fellow anti-NYE peeps — before or after midnight. Yes, when you watch a movie on New Year's Eve, you don't actually have to stay up until Jan. 1. It's a beautiful thing. With that in mind, here are 13 New Year's movies you should watch this holiday season, whether you go out to celebrate New Year's or not.
1. New Year's Eve
Ever wondered what it would be like to have Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Alyssa Milano and Seth Meyers in one movie? Then New Year's Eve is perfect for you. It's also good for anyone who wants to have a little bit of unapologetic fluff.
2. When Harry Met Sally
A New Year's classic, this iconic romantic comedy features one of the best New Year's Eve scenes of all time. It's also hilarious.
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
Another romantic NYE movie, perfect for a night in with your girlfriends.
4. Poseidon
Romance not your thing? Then buckle up for this disaster/action movie about an enormous cruise ship that tries to go up against an even greater ocean wave. (Hint: the ocean wins.)
5. Sex and the City
Sex and the City: The Movie isn't really about New Year's, but the end of the year is as good an excuse as any to watch Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda look fabulous for two hours.
6. Ghostbusters II
Evil never sleeps, and ghosts don't take a break for New Year's.
7. Trading Places
A true New Year's comedy.
8. 200 Cigarettes
Because one time Paul Rudd made out with Courtney Love in a bathroom. And why is this not a classic?!
9. Ocean's 11 (1960)
The original Ocean's 11 heist took place on New Year's Eve instead of Fight Night. What better night to cause drama than the chaotic holiday?
10. Radio Days
Woody Allen's Radio Days isn't really a New Year's movie, but it does feature a great NYE scene. So, if you're into having some New Year's cheer without actually wanting to watch a movie about the stressful holiday, then Radio Days might be your best bet.
11. Boogie Nights
Need proof that crazy things happen on New Year's Eve? Boogie Nights will give it to you.
12. An Affair To Remember
One final classic romance to round out the list. An Affair To Remember shows how romantic, and tragic, a New Year's Eve kiss can be.
13. This Is The End
OK, so this one is absolutely not a New Year's movie, but it does have a certain NYE vibe to it. When you think about it, apocalypse movies aren't so different from New Year's Eve movies. They are both about a countdown to the end of an era, and both usually feature some kind of bonding between friends. This Is The End also happens to feature a massive, NYE-like party, and a superb end of days finale. It's pretty much an honorary NYE movie. Whether you want to watch these movies to psych yourself up for New Year's or instead of going to that New Year's party your friends are trying to drag you to, these 13 flicks will remind you that the night never turns out the way you'd hoped, even in the movies. Images: Warner Bros.; uhohohno/tumblr Have a wonderful New Year's Eve, whatever you decide to do! Source
